Sunset Trauma Therapy and Consultation

#boundaries #people pleasing

Mar 11, 2022 

Written By Erica Lima

Boundaries are essentially where one thing ends, and another begins. So when you think about a relationship without a boundary, it lacks individuality, autonomy, and freedom to make their own choices. When a family or relationship lacks boundaries there is enmeshment. Enmeshment can also lead to co-dependency, low self-esteem, inability to make decisions, anxiety, depression, and lack of sense of self.

I like to think of boundaries as the voice of my body. Sometimes my body speaks through anger, which is my body communicating that something has been violated or crossed and this is not OK. Or maybe there’s a need to get out, leave, or be removed from a situation that is triggering. Again, this is my body’s voice or BOUNDARIES that are making themselves known. This helps me know who I am, my history, where I came from and what I can handle, and can not handle.

There are 3 basic types of boundaries involving the emotional, physical and spiritual.

1. Emotional boundary violation is when there is gaslighting, letting someone else dictate what you feel, using guilt as a tactic to change someone’s behavior, blaming you for their own problems and others.
2. Physical boundary violation would be sexual abuse, stalking, touching without consent, using power to manipulate consent, etc.
3. Spiritual boundaries would be using position of power or spiritual authority to control behavior, resources, spiritual beliefs and maintaining power over you.

However, when there has been repeated violation or ruptures of someone’s boundaries, whether that be emotional, physical or spiritual, it can be hard to re-determine what feels right for you. Re-connecting to hear your body’s voice takes time.

Here are a couple of question prompts for reflection to help you get started.

• Can I notice what happens in my body when someone is asking a favor of me? Is there a constriction, is my voice shaky?
• When does the urge or impulse show up to accommodate someone else. What am I worried will happen if I don’t appease this person?
• How do I feel about conflict or someone else being angry or displeased with me? What is the story I tell myself when someone is angry with me?
• When there is a power dynamic, do I default to being the student, the learner & the one less knowledgeable?
• When do I notice an urge to give away my power or my voice to someone else. Did I have an option or choice to speak something different?

There are many different types of boundaries & boundary violation. Getting a therapist’s help to help you discern your experience, heal from violated boundaries, and restore back your own boundaries, sense of self and confidence is an essential part of your emotional wellbeing.